It's been 9 days of not hearing from Tom, and I'm glad.

Went to Borders and bought The Riddle, sequel to The Naming and prequel to The Crow. There's a fourth book too, but I don't remember what it's called. I'm really excited to read it! Emma came with me and then we went to the Double O for lunch. It was nice :)


I'm very content with life right now. Except for my current headache.

Going to Cold Stone later with Nick....which is kind of strange. I wanted to go this afternoon cause it's less date-y but he's like "ice cream before dinner? :)" and I couldn't get out of it then. Sigh.

Iona is number 559 on Forbes America's Best Colleges list, lol. But at least it's on the list?

---

Update:
Tom called me that night (I jinxed myself!). He was fine, he just asked me a quick question to clear something up. I feel like we could be friends someday.

Back when I was young
Couldn't wait to grow up
Get away and get out on my own
And looking back now
Ain't it funny how
I've been trying to get back home, yeah
When my low self esteem
Needs a man loving me
And I find me a perfect catch
Then I see my friends
Having wild weekends
Then I don't wanna get quite so attached
Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better
I keep looking, I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more
Well, the straight haired girls
They all want curls
And the brunettes wanna be blonde
It's your typical thing
You got ying you want yang
It just goes on and on
They say, hey, it's only human
To never be satisfied
Well I guess that I'm as human as the next one
Oh, I keep looking
I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
Yeah, I keep looking
Looking for something more
Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Hey, good is good but could be better
I keep looking
I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more
Oh, looking for something more


Today was not a good day.

I rear ended a guy on my way to work at 8:30 in the morning, it was my fault, I wasn't paying attention. Luckily he has close to zero damage (one little plastic reflector needs to be replaced). Me, on the other hand...I have a small dent in the hood, a few scratches that could be buffed out, and the grill needs to be pushed out a bit. Sigh.


Now I'm packing for the Cape and not taking a nap which I could really use. Then I have work again from 6:30-10. Speaking of work, I have to find someone to cover me for Friday because no one has taken the shift yet!! WTF I hate you allsport lifeguards. I cover these people all the time and then when I need help...

Played a 4 hour game of monopoly at George's with George (obviously), Corey, Mel, and Haylee. It was SO intense, complete with deal-making and auctioning and bankruptcies and me getting the Park Place/Boardwalk combo. I added houses to them and ended up bankrupting Mel, Haylee, then Corey. So it was me vs. George, and he had a few monopolies on the other side of the board, but we had new properties from the bankrupt auctions. We could have negotiated some deals but I didn't want to play for another few hours. So we ended up splitting the pot (everyone put in $5 at the beginning). Then Corey and I went over to the diner with Kyle, Joey, Joe, and Ariminda. I saw Emma and Craig there. It's so awkward between us now, I feel. Mostly because Craig is a douchebag, mocking me to my face tonight. And I didn't really realize it until AFTER the fact. Ugh. Fuck him. At least I'm in college and have a legit job. He's 23 or 24 and is a pizza delivery boy. Come on.

Tom texted me last night what I was at Haylee's. He said he needed to talk. It was basically a repeat of every other post-break-up conversation. But in the middle of it, my phone died. So, naturally, he thought I hung up on him. By the time I got home he had already called his mom to talk about it, so he was calm the second time around. We ended okay. He was having a panic attack basically. And this sounds really bad to people on the outside but I know him and I know he's having such a hard time with this and he doesn't know how to deal. Everyone says he just has to man up but they don't know him. Besides, he wrote me an email this morning and he "swore on his life" that he was going to give me my space. We'll see. And he told me he realized he has to stop being a baby and that even though everyone tells him he's mature, he knows he still has some growing up to do. He said he's not gonna try and run away from his problems anymore and just man up.

Sigh.

I need to watch Moulin Rouge and Pride and Prejudice.

Working 10pm-12am tomorrow for $20/hr!



I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
cause I'm still trying to figure it out
don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
trying to see through the rain coming down
even though I'm not the only one
who feels the way I do.

A guy I went to high school with admitted to me today that he wanted to ask me out in high school but someone told him I wasn't allowed to date (which I wasn't as the time). Then he asked me if I would go out to dinner with him before I go back to school to "catch up." ANOTHER guy I went to high school with asked me to go see Public Enemies tonight. It was just so awkward, for me anyways. It wasn't a date though. And that makes me sound REALLY bad, to be going to the movies with a guy at this point in my life. But like, I had to get out of my house and he asked if I'd go with him. Sigh.

Also tonight, Tom IMed me and asked me to remove a quote I had from him that was in my buddy profile (which I had completely forgotten about). Eventually he ended up asking to web chat, and I said okay but after that we couldn't talk anymore. I was getting irritated with him and kept telling him the same things I've already told him, and I asked him what he was trying to accomplish. He said he just missed my face and wanted to talk to me face-to-face instead of on the phone or online. And let me tell you, it is SO much harder face-to-face. I wanted to tell him I'm sorry and that I was coming back, and I wanted to ask him to forgive me and to pretend this never happened. But I couldn't. I did tell him, however, that I was not coming back. Because I think he was still clinging on to some stray hope. I had to tell him so he would move on and stop doing this to himself. He's been making it so much worse by nursing it instead of just doing it cold turkey. But during our web chat, he said, "I feel like you used me." And that absolutely crushed me. I started crying and told him how badly he hurt me by saying that, and that I had to go. Because I did. He texted me while I was in the movies and apologized for being an asshole. So I called him when I got home, we talked about things some more, and said goodbye. But THEN I sent him a facebook message with the lyrics from that Carrie Underwood song "Starts With Goodbye" and told him I hoped it would help him understand, among other things. And I told him if he replied, I promised I wouldn't reply back, and that if he contacted me again via any other means, I wouldn't respond. It's really in both of our best interests. It was so hard to tell him that though...

So this is it. For real, this time. No talking until I see him at school. I move in the 22nd but he doesn't get there till the 24th...

I feel like a baby. If I saw this happening to someone else, I would probably tell them to just get over it. But it's different when its you.

It has been almost 2 weeks since the day I told Tom I needed a break.

And they have been the roughest 2 weeks of my life.

This has been the most difficult -- no -- most unnecessarily difficult break-up in the history of break-ups.

So much has happened between Tom and I in the past two weeks. The poor kid is having an extremely difficult time and he doesn't understand why I need this. Now, I do want to date other people and not be "tied down" to one person for the rest of my life (I'm not even 19 yet for God's sakes), but more importantly, I need to be alone right now and not be with anyone. I need to really concentrate on what I want to do with my life and not be thinking about someone else's life's goals/dreams. I plan on getting super-involved on campus, too.

I don't have any regrets, but I do wish I had done one thing differently, and that is, I wish I hadn't jumped into relationship status with him so quickly. We met on Monday and were official by Wednesday morning. What was that about? I learned from it though. Not only were we "official" too quickly, we were way too serious too quickly. My friends were legitimately worried about me because I was talking about how I was "set for life" and other ridiculous things. Embarrassing as it is for me to admit, we would talk about getting married and where we would live and kids and kids' names and all this crap that we shouldn't have been thinking about! Now, it wasn't in all seriousness, but still. That's one of the reasons this is so hard for him I think, because he WAS set for life. He didn't want anyone else and was perfectly satisfied, beyond satisfied, with me. The thing is, I wasn't satisfied with being married at 18, so to speak.

Now, into why this has been the most unnecessarily difficult break-up ever.

I broke the news to him on a Tuesday night and we hadn't talked all day on Wednesday until I texted him and just told him I didn't want to completely cut off communication with him. It was too weird for me to go from talking to him multiple times a day to not hearing from him at all. So we just talked normally for a few days and didn't really talk about what we were going through. Then we started to, and that made it REALLY hard. It all started out with him ending a text with "ttyl babe." So I was like...you can't call me that anymore... It really hurt to say that to him but if we were broken up, he couldn't be doing things like that. We talked on the phone about it a few nights in a row, but mostly that meant he was talking about how bad he was feeling, how much he missed me and wanted me back, and how he didn't understand WHY I was doing this to him. Then a few days ago we were talking normally online, and then I ended up calling him because he was saying really, really ridiculous things that I needed to really talk to him about. That phone call ended up turning into a fight with him getting really angry with me, etc., etc. But I don't blame him for getting angry - he was very frustrated and unbelievably heartbroken. He ended up calling me later that night and apologizing and I thought we'd be able to make it through this and not become the exes that hate each other. But he'd been calling me every night after that and just telling me how upset he was and blah blah and I was getting really tired of it, especially last night because he chose to call me at 2:30 in the morning. But during that call I felt really, really bad because he was telling me how hasn't been sleeping well and he's been having nightmares about trying to find me but I'm nowhere to be found...He kept apologizing for calling but he said he had no one else to turn to. I'm the only person he can really talk to who understands him and who can relate to him. I told him, though, that I couldn't tell him what he wanted to hear, and that I was afraid he would start pushing me away. Well, long story short, I got a message on facebook from him today saying this:

hey look im sorry i called last night but after i got off the phone with you i called my mom. she helped alot, she told me that she went through this too with her boyfriend of 5 years who left her after saying that he just wasnt ready for something so committed. she said it was awful and painful and an extremely tough time for her. in the end, she said, it just has to be dealt with, period. she told me i need to stop talking to you all together for at least a month. no texts, fbook messages, calls, nothing. so im gonna do that.

this will be extremely hard for me but im gonna try and stick it through. i cant hope or even try right now, it hurts too much. we had alot together but i guess this is where it ends.

i loved you emmy, you made everyday wonderful for me but i guess thoses times are over. i hope you find whatever it is you are looking for.

goodbye, thomas
PS - dont worry ill get home ok


And that ^^ is the reason this is the most unnecessarily difficult break-up ever. We've been, essentially, breaking up every day for the past 2 weeks. We've been making it harder on ourselves. We should've stopped talking a while ago. We attempted it, but it didn't last. In my response, I told him I would leave it up to his discretion as to when we talked again. We're going to have to at some point because we will undoubtedly run into each other once we're back at Iona. Can't wait for that meeting...and when I ask him would be the best time for me to give him some of his things back...Sigh.

I'm more sorry that he'll ever know, believe, or understand.

And there's that little voice in the back of my mind that's asking, What if you made the wrong choice? But then my heart tells me I didn't. Because if we're meant to be, then we'll work out when we're meant to. For now, I need to be alone and do my own thing and live my life.

Things will get progressively easier starting tomorrow.

Tom and I are over for now.



We didn't fight. I need a break. This happened a few days ago, but today it was made final. We won't be talking for a while. This was my decision, but it hurts so much more than I ever expected it would.

Why?
In May, I felt like I needed a break. Same feeling came back a little over two weeks ago. And then I felt the need a few days ago to really tell him. I'm 19 years old and I'm not fully committed to a relationship. I thought I was. But I'm not. I'm going to miss him so much, he's been my best friend for almost a year. But...I would rather do this now than wait until we got engaged or married. He is perfect husband material, honestly. But I'm not getting married yet. I need to make sure I'm with the right person. I'm too young to settle down. But I believe if he and I are meant to be together, then we will be. If not, so be it.

I will see him August 24th, the day he moves back in to school. At least, I'm right now planning on going to see him. But I'm not sure if I will. It all depends I guess.

:'-(

I'm seeing Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince today at 4:30, which happens to be before most of the world sees it! Most Harry Potter fans will be seeing it at midnight, but I'll have already seen it :) Melanie's parents' company hosts a special viewing every year. I went to the last one, too. Superrrrrr excitedddd!!


Went to the dentist today and had 8 x-rays. And I have to go back on August 4 for a cleaning. Sigh.


Molly bought Sims 3, it's pretty awesome. I made Ben Linus from LOST and will be working on other characters as well. I'm so sad. And I have to have it on my Mac because our version of XP is too old I guess. So I have my laptop sitting on top of 2 of those cooler things you put in a lunch box. Ghetto, or MacGyver?


Wanted to do a photoshoot today but Molly is just so irritating that I don't want to do it anymore. I still want to go out and take some photos, but I need a subject. Most of my photos are of nature and things around the area, so I need an actual person.


Going to Bed Bath and Beyond tonight with Mommy cause she's got a ton of coupons. I love dorm shopping. :D

Worked 10-1 and 4-8 today. I'm a tired girl. I'm watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall and thinking about how I forgot how much I love Jason Segel. He is like, my man crush. Not like, man crush like I'm a guy who has a man crush, but he is the MAN. He's not like a Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom or Brad Pitt. He is a real man. If that makes sense, haha. Oh, me.



So I've entered a contest and need votes!

http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=940363_10590992&pid=197136&scid=459

The picture on the right is mine and I want it to win. You can vote as many times as you want (it's like every 8 hours or something). It's for a $1000 scholarship. So help me out :)



Ah, August Rush just came on! Love the Irish guy in that.

Tom was here all weekend! I miss his presence already, but not in a mopey way. I just enjoy his company. (One would hope so anyways, since we've been dating for almost 10 months now.) We had the Dave Matthews concert on Friday, but it was a bust. =( We get all the way up to Saratoga (over 2 hour drive) and ended up leaving the concert after the third song. At least I got to hear Funny The Way It Is! Anyways, the story behind why we left: Tom's friend was going to come with us and convinced Tom to get lawn seats because they're "so awesome." Right. It seemed like it was going to be awesome cause we could even see the stage from where we were, but it ended up being WAY too crowded. So many drunk/high kids running around trying to jump over/around us. And when people were standing in front of us we couldn't see ANYTHING. Not even the screens he was on! Plus it was hard to hear. It was like I was at home, the show was on TV, and I was listening from a few rooms away. Like we weren't even there. =( But we're gonna go to a Dave concert again sometime. I want the experience that Tom loves so much (he's been to a ton of them).

Yesterday after I got out of work, Tom and I went to the mall and then out to dinner. I love going out with him. That night we went to Kyle's for poker night. Matt cleared me out when we both ended up with trip 8s but he had an ace and I had a queen. I could not have been more furious.


Kim and Melanie are sleeping over tonight! Yay! And then in exactly 1 week we are going to Virginia beach!

Had a good weekend!

Worked 5-9am on Friday and went to Tom's straight after. I missed him. We just hung around his house on Friday and then on Saturday we went to lunch at P.F. Chang's (BEST CHINESE RESTAURANT EVER. And it's a legit restaurant). Then I had to leave. =( It took me exactly 2 hours to get back home, went to church, Bri and Kat slept over, then had KFest on Sunday. The White Tie Affair <33333333. And Jesse McCartney is beautiful, but probably not a good boyfriend. He seems super into himself. Like, he said, "Now that I have your attention....[suspenseful 30 seconds later]....I'm Jesse McCartney." *girls swooning*

Worked 4-7:30 last night and 12-2 today because it started to rain. Then I went to the Christmas Tree Shops with Kim and her mom. Best store in the whole wide world, let me tell you. Can't wait to go back with money. Oh, wait. That won't be for at least a MONTH because the next paycheck is for VA beach. WHICH WILL BE A TOTALLY AWESOME TRIP. Can't wait!! June 22, 23, 24. Yayyy.

Tom's coming on Thursday afternoon and then Friday we're going to Saratoga to see Dave Matthews!

Was gonna go out tonight with everyone but I feel like just hanging around right now. I'm tired.

Maybe I'll go play Sims! I want Sims 3...

June is going to be a HUGE month.


Pennsylvania on Friday for Tom's birthday. Leaving on Saturday because I have KFest on Sunday. KFest = Jesse McCartney, The White Tie Affair, The Veronicas, Keri Hilson, and more!

Then on the 12th it's Dave Matthews in Saratoga!

Then on the 22, 23, 24, it's Virginia Beach with Kim, Mel, and Haylee!

Fun, fun, FUN times ahead.

Working 4-7:30 tonight. Then a bunch of us are seeing Taken at 9:15.

I want to cry.

I've been sick of how dark my hair was, so I figured I'd dye it. No big deal, right? WRONG. The color turned out looking like Puerto Rican blond. Yeah, you know the color. I friggin hated it. So I dyed it again tonight (two nights later haha). It's better, but still. I miss my old hair. How's that for karma kicking my ass? I told my mom that God is punishing me for not appreciating what I had, which was actually super nice now that I think about it. I had nice natural highlights...Sigh. Now if I ever want to see my real hair color ever again, I'm gonna have to look really ridiculous for a long time so it can grow out. =(

In other news.
Susan Boyle did not win Britain's Got Talent. WHAT!? A dance group called "Diversity" did. Gimme a break. I watched Diversity and they were NOT that amazing. I was actually bored watching them. Boyle is incredible and I <3 her and I hope she goes far.

I am so exhausted. I guarded 1-5 and the sun seriously drains you. So do annoying brats who throw gravel in the pool. Like wtf?

I have to get up at 6:45 for 7:30 mass. Yay. Then it's West Side Story on Broadway!! Super excited! Maria, I'll never stop singing Maria. Anddddddd Auntie Sandy and Grandma are coming!

I miss Tom.

So I managed to get a 3.83 for the spring semester. Brother Carroll ruined my possible 4.0. UGH. But I got the A in Latin, which was the only other thing I was worried about. Prof. Mussio is oh-so-merciful. Not that I was doing that, that bad. But I failed the last few quizzes.

Just got back from Paula's party! Good times. Volleyball, Texas Hold 'Em, cake, fire, Iona girls <3, etc. There was this guy there who reminded me a lot of Tom. He didn't really look like him, well kind of I guess, but their personalities are really similar AND he speaks German. It made me miss Tom. Plus my lovely Iona ladies kept mentioning Tom and asking about him, lol.

Mom bought me a brand spanking new car! Ford Focus coupe. Red. Nice spoiler (not obnoxious looking). MY BABY. <3 I have almost 300 miles on it already and I've only had it five days lol. But I had to drive to Poughkeepsie three times, and today out to Mahopac, so yeah.

Going to grandma's tomorrow for Memorial Day. Yayy. Two hour car ride. Nayy.

Yes, it has begun.

The unpacking/organizing process SUCKS. I have way too much shit.

Mall with Molly tomorrow, Muddy Cup with Corey and Haylee. Work starts next Tuesday.

BROTHER FREAKING CARROLL GAVE ME A B+. SO MAD.

Today's Kat's birthday and we went to Ziggy's in Fordham last night to celebrate. VERY fun times. Except when this dude threw up right by where we were chillin. GROSS.

I should nap. I slept from 3am-12. But apparently that's not enough. Bridget needs to upload photos STAT.

I'm not doing any work until Monday.

I should be reading the chapter for Latin, but I really have no motivation.

It's been cloudy/rainy for the past 6 days! It sucks! And there's supposed to be thunderstorms coming? Sigh.

I feel really tired and I want to go to sleep but I have class in half an hour. Not looking forward to it at ALL. Just more crap that we're gonna have to know for the final next Thursday.

It's Kat's birthday weekend and we're gonna be partying it up! :)

When I was throwing out my trash in Spellman, there was a puddle of water on the floor that I slipped on. My left knee came out from under me so it looked like I was proposing (backwards). So awful. =(

And I don't feel good.

So it was 15 minutes into this week's LOST episode, and my RA came and we had to have a mandatory meeting in the common room about checking out. FML. So I missed 15 minutes, which I'm positive were crucial to the understanding of the remaining half hour. What do I do now? Watch online....AGAIN. Sigh.

Went to the gym again - I'm on a roll! Hopefully I'll actually get into a routine, which would be good. Unfortunately I had m&ms and peanut butter cups so it's almost like going was a waste...But the muscles still got worked so I guess it's all good.

8 days too many to go. Honestly I'm SO SICK of living here. I'm tired of immaturity, bitchiness, etc. The not-buying-toilet-paper-for-almost-a-week-now thing is the icing on the cake. I want to shoot myself. One of my roommates makes me want to choke a baby. I'm sick of sitting at my desk and being forced to listen to MTV, VH-1, the stupid effing Tyra Show, and other shitty shows every day. It's disgusting. Maybe if these people watched the news every now and then, they'd have an idea of what's going on in the world. One of my roommates didn't know who the vice president was.

Speaking of stupid, there are a lot of dumb asses here. How do they get into college? How did they get into THIS college? Hopefully Iona was more selective for the incoming freshmen. Anyways, in Religion, our professor got pissed that no one did the reading (no one EVER does except a few of us) and made people read the chapter aloud. If you could hear the way these people read, you would laugh. I did. One girl stumbled over the word "idolatry." What's funny is the professor is like, "What?" And she's like, "I can't say..." but she said it really soft and the professor said, "What?" again and she's like, "I can't see; I forgot my glasses." HAHAHA if that wasn't the BS statement of the year, I don't know what was. She read other things just fine. And what else bothers me is when people don't know what to do when they get to commas or periods. Sigh.

Tomorrow is my last class of freshman year! I only have Latin at 2 because 10am History was canceled since we covered everything. I'm probably going to have to start studying for the Latin final on Friday because we've covered so much and if I wait to study, I'll be screwing myself. I'm gonna have to start going over the history essays, too. And then the only other final is Religion and it's on Christianity, Judaism, and Islam - couldn't get any easier than that.

Dad's coming on Friday to pick up a lot of my stuff so that next Friday isn't too much of a hassle. I'm gonna have to start taking down my pictures and posters. :'( I'll be sad to see the Johnny Depp poster go. He's so beautiful.

Went to the gym, burned 200 calories in 15 minutes (damn I'm cool), and did ab workouts. I'm a friggin champ.

I'm REALLY hungry but I'm already in my room and showered and in comfy clothes. I should've gotten a wrap to go when I went to LaPenta with Tom after the gym. Cause when I was leaving I saw him across the parking lot/road/thing and was like TOMMMMM. And then when we were there I wasn't hungry because I never am right after I work out, but now I am. Darn it!

I guess I have to get dressed anyways because I have to bring my final and another test to my philosophy teacher tonight cause tonight would be the last class. Tom could do it I guess but I feel like I owe the guy a thanks?

I love my new header picture. I took it last July in Cape Cod. I'm going to keep experimenting with tweaking the code.